Enabling

I had my weekly appointment with my counselor Keith today, and we discussed Art's anxiety stuff (like we do at pretty much every session).  It's been very hard to find that line that divides caretaker from wife.  There are many things that I do because I would do them anyway regardless of his condition, like grocery shopping.  If he's working during the day and I'm home, it stands to reason that I should be the one to go out and get groceries.  The difference is that I have no choice--he cannot get to the store by himself, so I HAVE to do the grocery shopping.  It doesn't matter if I'm tired, or busy, or sick.  He can't, so I must.

So the question I've posed to Keith numerous times is: does that make me an enabler?  And the question that I seem to have no answer for is, "What is the most loving thing to do?"  Is it just doing the grocery shopping without comment or expectation, or is it pushing the issue and demanding that he go with me?  And for each decision, does the long-term benefit outweigh the cost?

Keith pointed out that I ask instead of state.  For instance, we as a family all went to the hardware store last week which is just a few blocks from our house.  Given how severe Art's symptoms have been over the past 4 months, this was a big deal.  We rode our bikes there, and Art said he wanted us to go out for lunch afterwards at a restaurant right around the corner from home.  I suggested that we go one block past the hardware store to a different restaurant, and he said he'd try.  After our shopping was done, I asked if he'd be up to trying to go to the restaurant I suggested, and he balked.  We ended up having lunch where he decided.

Keith asked what would have happened if I just told Art that we were going to the restaurant I wanted to go to, instead of asking and giving him a chance to refuse.  I don't know.  Art's father was an angry, bitter, tyrant of an alcoholic who demanded unswerving loyalty from Art and threatened abandonment on a regular basis.  Because of that, Art is extremely sensitive to any semblance of disappointment or rejection.  I feel like my demanding that he do something is only going to feed on his insecurities.  As his wife, my job is to build him up, not to make him feel like less of a man because of this disorder.  But it seems like that can easily cross the line into enabling: where I won't push the issue because I don't want to deal with the fallout.

Again, what is the most loving thing to do?

I ask myself this question almost every day.  It rattles around in my head constantly, and I have no clear answer.  I've gone to God for direction on a continual basis, but my prayers seem like they're hitting the ceiling.  I'm willing to be obedient, but I don't know what He's asking me to do.  That's the most frustrating thing of all.

Starting Point

So.  This is my first-ever blog post.  I've never written anything before for public viewing, unless you count my ridiculous ramblings on Facebook.

Where to begin?  First, an introduction: I'm Brenna, wife to "Art" the graphic designer (see what I did there?  hahahaha), homeschooling mom to teenage boys N & P, Tastefully Simple consultant, very part-time puppeteer, and soon-to-be college student.  And I love Jesus, though I feel like we have a tumultuous relationship.

Why the heck do I need a blog?  An outlet.  Art has been dealing with panic attacks/anxiety disorder/PTSD/agoraphobia since 1994 (possibly earlier), and being his primary support system, I need to vent.  This is my version of the little pressure-release valve on the top of the pressure cooker.  I don't LOVE writing or feel a need to write (I was a miserable journal-keeper as a teenager), but this may be the way I can get all this crap out and not feel like I'm losing my mind.

So.